I was hospitalized in April when it was found out that I was suicidal and that I self harmed. I was only there for a week but it felt like a year. The first day I woke up there I thought that I could finally get better, finally become normal. I could stop self harming, I could be happy. By the third morning I didn’t want to wake up anymore, I couldn’t deal with them staring me down, trying to find out what makes me tick, what drove me to suicide. I was tired of the questions, like it was possible to explain over 5 years of depression and suicidal thoughts in one perfect little line, one perfect sentence. How anyone thinks you could get better than astounds me. I got better at lying, “I don’t have suicidal thoughts anymore I’M CURED thank you thank you!.” I told them what they wanted to hear.  

I lied. 

I’m still fucked up and I still cut.